Years ago I had a minorly successful blog and 2 businesses that I all walked away from when my chronic illness made it impossible to fake my way through it anymore. I fought hard to stay in the game, even transitioning from a photography career to bookkeeping. Yes a number cruncher who starred at screens day in and day out and loved it! What I didn’t love, again, was the interactions with others where I needed to “pretend” I was ok all the time, that “professional mannequin” most of us become.
I longed for a way to continue doing the things I loved, any of them, but aspects of an activity or career path interrupted me from taking care of me and being honest about the person I am now. Every move was robotic, trying to just get through and in turn I had to let go of me because there was no room, no energy (spoonies I know you understand).
Everything had a place and structure in my life (I have OCD) and when I lost that control the energy was placed into projects, homeschooling, and even this blog. I felt like I was in there still, but not listened to in a long time. I muted myself and no longer knew what I wanted or who I was as a person, this person.
I kept quiet about the struggles I was facing, the illnesses and flares were handled silently within my home, and my medical marijuana use was done almost in shame off in a corner of my home quietly trying to feel better. I hit rock bottom last year spending most days in bed or on the sofa because everything was too painful and it was then in the most misery I began searching for any beacon of light.
I’m the lucky one because I have a tight support system and those boys love to remind me to think about myself almost daily and rush to take tasks off my plate so I have energy for me. Thanks to the closeness last year has brought us, this constant drip of an idea of self love and acceptance began the set in.
Slowly, I came out of my self induced shell this year and accepted me as I am now; a person with chronic pain and illnesses, a person who suffers from mental illness, a person who uses marijuana daily to treat pain, and someone who is still smart, funny, loving, adventurous, and best of all; a good mom and wife despite my trials.
So take that self, we are done being quiet, never really suited us anyway.
Abandon the Box has always been about finding new ways to be better and enjoy life so the only way I know how to authentically do this is by sharing my struggles with pain and health issues as well as those impacts on my family. This also means this will be a space where topics like opioids, marijuana use, abuse within the medical system, and other mental/physical health topics. We appreciate those who like, comment, and follow but also understand these are triggers for some and not topics everyone enjoys reading about and thank you for stopping by.